It was that way for me in a lot of ways, but my most enduring memories from that first year are quietly hating myself while I masturbated in my dark room knowing that I was making myself “unworthy’ to serve a mission.Īs the time for when I should be getting ready to leave drew nearer, I just continually dodged the questions until even my parents stopped asking. Because of my birthday, this meant I would be able to go to university for an entire year before leaving.įor most people, I think, college is a time of discovery, experimentation, change, and growth. When I was growing up the age for males to go was 19 (for females it was 21, this has all since changed). You may have had two “elders” or “sisters” come to your door. The other thing you may be aware of about Mormonism is that they serve religious missions. Years of that kind of self-loathing and hatred of your natural physicality can do a real number on your self-image. Porn is a definite no-no for Mormons, and masturbation was frowned upon when I was younger (now I think they just keep their mouths shut about it), but the overall effect was that I hated myself for something that I did every day and is widely considered normal and healthy. That’s when things really started to clash. And then I discovered masturbation and porn at fourteen. But I was teased for being overweight and not liking the things the other boys did, as well. My teen years were a lot rougher, but whose weren’t? I was moody and didn’t want to, or know how to, talk about my feelings (aka every teenager that has ever existed). No one else seemed to care that I was a sensitive boy who played as much with girls as with other boys. This probably afforded me some grace during those early years. I was aware that I was “different” from a very young age, but I didn’t recognize what it was ‘til my teens. We were always taught to be skeptical and think independently, but you wouldn’t miss our faces come Sunday. I was lucky enough to have parents who fell probably somewhere in the middle. Utah can be a funny mix of hyper-conservatism and hyper-liberalism in reaction to the culture. Many people wonder what it was like to grow up gay in Utah. To be honest, I still feel some of the ideals are true: kindness, generosity, and gratitude will bring you joy, helping others will benefit you as well, sexuality is a treasured gift but I can’t condone the institution or the culture anymore. Sex and sexuality are gifts from god and should be used only under the covenant of marriage. We are to be “in the world” but not “of the world.” Self-sacrifice and service to others are honorable and sought-after virtues. Humans are the literal children of God and his wife and we will become like them.ġ0% of your income is donated to the Church, but you may choose to donate more that will specifically be used for those in need.
Just to give you an idea, here’s a short list of some of the rules/ideals I grew up with: It wasn’t all bad by any stretch of the imagination, but it certainly wasn’t average. The older I get and the more people I meet, the more I realize just how out-of-the-norm it was how I grew up.
How did I make the leap from Peter Priesthood to Nudist Nick, you might ask? Like everything else in life, it was an uneven and winding path that I’m still figuring out.įor those of you unfamiliar with Mormonism, particularly the Mormon culture that is Utah, imagine the tight-knit community and religious devotion you might associate with, say, the Amish or Mennonites, but with an insane amount of money (the Church, not the churchgoers necessarily) and access to technology. Well, more accurately, I’m learning to be ok with that.
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